Is something
bothering you?
Do you need a
listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help.
Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara
Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jay a, Selangor or e-mail: star2.thelma@thestar.com.my
Please include your
full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be
entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy,
completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other
assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility
for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such i
opinions and views.
I MARRIED my
husband in 2008. We were introduced by his sister’s friend. He was a divorcee.
From what I know from his sister, he was only married for 52 days before his
wife ran away. His sister also mentioned that his first wife was suspicious of
their brother and sister relationship.
I didn’t like
the idea of marrying a divorcee but a priest told me to give him a chance as he
had tried to save his marriage but his first wife did not give him a chance. So
it was not his fault that the marriage did not work.
So I put my
trust in S (my husband) and married him. What followed was a nightmare for any
girl.
His sister acted
as though she owned him. The way they talked to each other, you would think
they were newly-weds and I was the lamp post hovering over them.
I felt so lonely
and unloved. On top of that, his mother found fault with everything I did. When
I became pregnant a few months later, the torture from his sister and his
mother became unbearable.
When he was at
home, they treated me with love and respect. The moment he stepped out of the
house, the scenario changed. I was not even allowed to go into the kitchen.
At one point, I
couldn’t take it anymore, so I sent his sister an e-mail to give her a piece of
my mind. I did not want her to make a scene at home as my father-in-law was
quite sickly.
I asked her why
she needed to find him a wife when it was obvious that she did not want him to
be with his wife, and she could have married him instead. She freaked out, took
MC that day, and created a big hullabaloo at home. My mother, my brother and my
grandmother went to their house to sort things out.
My sister-in-law
claimed that I was carrying my brother’s baby. The whole situation turned
really ugly. My brother got very angry and I wished he had slapped her then.
They told all
their extended family members bad things about me. They even staged a drama by
breaking vases in front of their porch and lodged a police report against me.
The police asked me to file a police report against them for making a false
report against me.
His mother
called me a gold-digger though all they own is a small house and a Kancil.
My husband left
me and our daughter seven years ago to be with his mother and sister. His
sister got married in 2012 and bought a house near her mother’s house and
frequently visits her mother. However, I was beaten whenever I visited my
mother.
Now my
ex-husband has started visiting our daughter at her school. I do not know what
his agenda is, but it’s creeping me out.
I asked him if
he wanted to get back together but he said he would never do so.
Before the
visits started, he sent me a letter from his lawyer, seeking my consent to a
divorce. After that I do not know what happened. My daughter hates to see her
father.
I have to coax
her and explain to her that it’s her father and he loves her, and that the
problem is between me and him. I want everything to be over, and I want to get
him out of our lives. I am afraid of him. What should I do now?
Dilemma
It looks like you had stepped into a
very complex family situation when you married S. It is very unlikely that S
and his sister had anything romantic going on between them. However, the lack
of boundaries in their relationship is cause for concern. No wonder the first
marriage ended after just 52 days.
It is not strange that your in-laws
hated you. They were jealous because you posed a threat; they were afraid of
losing S’s love. This is rather ironic because there is no way that S could
ever love anyone. His mother and his sister dominate his life.
So when you came into the picture, it
became an obligation for him. He had a duty as a husband.
And there was probably little else in
your relationship with S.
With you, it was a matter of control.
You were not allowed to visit your mother. Your movements were controlled and
monitored. The home was their territory, and S their property. You were
necessary - people have to get married. But the idea of loving anyone other
than themselves is alien to this family.
You are lucky that you are out of this
marriage and this family. There is no way of knowing S’s motives in wanting a
relationship with your daughter after all these years. You are right to be
suspicii More importandy, now is the time to b careful and vigilant.
Since he has already initiated divorce
proceedings, you should follow up. Your best protection now is the law.
Check on the progress of the divorce. If
S did not go through with it, you should consider initiating it. Also, it will
be wise for you to seek custody of your child.
Speak with a family lawyer.
If your daughter does not like her
father visiting her at school, you can suggest that he meets her elsewhere. If
she is adamant that she will not see him at all, you will have little choice
but to involve the law in this matter.
You can have legal custody of your
daughter, while her father may have visitation rights. It is also possible for
you to specify conditions for his visitation if your daughter is not
comfortable seeing him. It may be hard to disallow him visitation rights as he
is also a parent.
You may want to check to make sure that
the first marriage ended legally. S must be divorced before he could marry you.
Otherwise, there are legal implications which affect you, your marriage to S,
and your daughter.
Do not be upset that your marriage has
ended. Sometimes, we have to know when the end comes.
Even if it wasn’t for the unusual
closeness between S and his sister, the marriage was unhealthy because of the
way you were treated. You were disrespected. You were even beaten. All this
amounts to abuse.
At this moment, why are you afraid of S?
What do you think he can do to you? What can he do to your daughter? Keep these
questions in mind and try to get some perspective on the situation. Just remember,
no one is infallible. S can be kept away from you and your daughter. You can be
safe. He has no power over you. Your fear is the only power he has, so it is
important to not be afraid.
All in all, your marriage to S was
toxic. Be glad that you are out of it. S and his family can speak ill of you
for all they want - and you can be sure they will do it again when you start
the custody battle for your daughter. You have nothing to be ashamed of. True
friends would know they have no reason to doubt you.
HEART&SOUL
We'd love to hear
from you.
Lessons From My
Father
A son treasures all that he
has learnt
By Kannan
Pasamanickam
Heart&Soul/Star2, Sunday 16 October 2016
MY father passed away at the age of
94 just past midnight on May 2 this year. Dad was bom in a small town in Tamil
Nadu, India. He was a self- made man who had to fend for himself from an early
age.
An only child who lost his mother before
his teens, he was brought to pre-independence Malaya by his father, as a child
of eight in 1928. He later returned to India to study and returned to Malaysia
in his teens to work.
He initially worked as a junior clerk in a
money lending firm and this created a lasting impression on him, explaining the
meticulous way he kept accounts throughout his life and his thrift when
spending money. He kept his daily spending money in a small envelope and every
cent spent during the day was recorded on the envelope.
At the time of his death, he was one of
the most senior retired politicians in the country, having served in the state
legistative assembly and in the senate.
As children, my sister and I witnessed
the many parties at our small, unpretentious home where our late mum cooked and
dad hosted the early politicians and leaders of the various communities who
made up our country.
Dad’s cordial links with the political
masters of the day earned benefits for his community.
During his wake recently, many people came
to tell us of his many contributions and help it made us feel very proud.
Dad worked very hard throughout his life.
He trained to become an accountant. As many of his generation did, he believed
in investing in property for a rainy day - he put aside what little he could
for this. I was repeatedly told the story of my mum volunteering her wedding
jewellery to be pawned so that he could make the down payment for the first piece
of property that he bought in 1959. He ensured that my sister and I got a good
education.
Grandpa was a simple clerk with little
means. Dad knew that the only way to raise his siblings from poverty was
through education.
Though he was an only child with no
financial legacy to support him, he took it upon himself to help educate the
children of his stepbrothers and stepsisters who were left behind in the little
town in India.
Thanks to Dad’s efforts, this next generation
is successful academically and have several professionals. Their successes
made him proud and gave him a deep sense of satisfaction later in life. He also
wanted to uplift his community through education, hence his participation in
several school boards and societies. We were taught to share God’s gifts and
the fruits of your labour with the less fortunate, and that was a sacred duty..
Dad was rich in the knowledge of the
traditions and history of the Indian community in particular and Malaysia in
general. He was a gifted storyteller and orator - his oratorical skills were
in great demand at political meetings and weddings.
People came up to tell me how, up to the
last days of his life, he had regaled them with stories from our cultural
fables. He loved to advise and encourage the younger generation -1 was very
touched when a Malay MP told me at Dad’s wake that he considered him a father,
because he was one of the earliest and oldest politicians to encourage and
advise him when he was nominated to stand for elections.
A group of Indian children came to sing
hymns at his funeral; they told me later that Dad had been supportive of their
orphanage for several years. A Chinese banker with an international firm based
in Singapore sent me a message of support - he told me he was “blessed to have
known Dad and that his family would miss Dad’s wise words and humour”. This
gentleman’s family and mine have been friends for three generations.
Dad had many good friends from every race in our country, evidenced by the mourners
at his funeral. At 94, he was one of the oldest citizens of Muar, the town he
loved so much.
He lived frugally, repeatedly advising us
of the virtues of thrift and the evils of materialism.
He kept reminding us not to forget our
very simple beginnings; this story of one of his favourite aunts in India was
repeatedly told.
When he was a child, Dad’s family was so
poor that even having fish for their meals was a luxury. This aunt, who lived
in the countryside, would catch fish in the padi field, then cook it and walk
10km (there was insufficient money for bus fare) to feed the little mouths in
Grandpa’s home.
The times that Dad returned home to visit
his relatives in India, the first thing that he did before entering the
ancestral village was to change into a simple dhoti and cotton jippa - this
was to ensure that his relatives and friends who had remained behind in the
village, would not suffer the pain of jealousy from seeing the external signs of
the success he had achieved in a foreign land. I was often told that we should
not for any reason be the cause of misery in another’s life - this is one of
the lessons learnt from my father that I treasure.
Nurture your brain but not your stomach,
was an Indian adage that he loved to quote.
He loved to read. When insomnia troubled
him in the last years of his life, it was not unusual to see him seated and
reading his favourite Tamil novels late into the night.
God blessed my father with a long life
with the physical ability to continue to do all that he liked, to the very
end.
He was a disciplined man. It was probably
around 1978, when I was a young doctor, that Dad first complained of feeling
chest pains while climbing up stairs - he asked me what he should do. He was
then a two-pack-a-day smoker. I told him that he had blocked arteries and that
he had to stop smoking. The next morning, he quit and kept off cigarettes for
the rest of his life.
Two weeks before he died, I invited him
to my house in Petaling Jaya for our annual ancestral prayers - it was one of
the rare times that he stayed overnight in my house. We had a good family
dinner and the following day after eating his favourite lunch prepared by my
wife, Dad left for home. That was the last I was to see my father alive.
Though increasingly frail, Dad went to his
office until the last week of his life - retirement was not an option he
considered. He continued with his daily walking exercises up till the morning
of the last day of his life. We were told that he spent the last two weeks of
his life busy conducting meetings and giving advice to younger people.
On the night of his death, Dad chatted
with friends after dinner and then went to bed. His life ended soon after.
My sister and I will remember his lessons and continue his legacy.
Star 2/Dear Thelma
Dear Thelma/Star2, Sunday 11 September 2016
I’m Struggling With Self Esteem
I AM a slow learner and I have difficulty
in handling certain chores. My parents often yell at me for not using common
sense even though I am trying to do my best. This really tears me apart. I am
often plagued by doubts.
When I was in university, I suffered low
self-esteem and lacked confidence. People saw me as an easy target for bullying.
This caused me to struggle even more with self-confidence.
When I was working part-time, I tried to
act confident and cope as best as I could. Yet, I was often criticised. I began
to think I was really not as capable as the other staff members.
I have been like this for many years and I
am at my wit’s end. I would really appreciate your advice.
Defeated
There is a saying, “Sticks and stones may
break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Unfortunately, this is rarely
true as it is the hurtful words that people use which hurt the most.
Teasing, bullying, name calling, using
harsh words when scolding - even if it’s meant for the other person’s “own
good” - can be very damaging. Like you, many people suffer from low self-esteem
and self-doubt as a result. Others become depressed and anxious, often driven
by negative thoughts of themselves.
Some develop unrealistic expectations of
themselves and become perfectionistic. This, while seemingly good, can be
debilitating and often times lead people to become overwhelmed and anxious,
resulting in them doing nothing. This results in an unhealthy cycle whereby the
person becomes more convinced of their ineptness, thus increasing their need
for perfection. Here is an anxiety attack waiting to happen.
Confidence, unfortunately, is not
something you can act out. It is something you are, or you are not. Acting
confident, therefore, is very different from being confident. Acting confident
is a thin veneer for an underlying problem. It encourages defensiveness which
results in an arrogant attitude, whereby the person acting confident cannot
accept others’ feedback, however true or well intentioned.
The first thing you have to bear in mind
is that what you are experiencing now is the result of many years of negativity
from others. So it is not something that can be overcome in a short time.
Also, it is not something that can be overcome by mere “positive thinking”.
Believing that you are worth it and good has its value. But just telling
yourself that is not going to be enough to help.
For one, you have to start looking at your
positive points. You must take into consideration all that you are capable of
and all that you have achieved in your life thus far.
You say you are a slow learner. Yet, you
have managed to attend university. This is no small feat! How many
unappreciated successes like this do you have in your life?
In people’s eagerness to be humble, we
forget to stop and pat ourselves on the back when we do well. In our modesty,
we play down our successes. There is a benefit to this, of course. Unchecked,
too much back patting can lead one to become a little narcissistic. So it is
important to strike a balance. Appreciating yourself and the good work you have
done must be tempered with trying to understand how you can improve yourself in
the future.
Every small success matters. Even a small
improvement is an improvement. Take out a notebook and list all the successes
- from small to very big - that you have had. Think hard. Try and remember from
as far back in your life as you can. Make this list an ongoing one and jot down
every success you have from now on.
Appreciate what you have. Gratitude is a
very important trait to cultivate. Oftentimes, we feel down in the dumps
because we are so focused on all that we don’t have. Spend a few minutes a day
identifying and appreciating the things you have and are grateful for. These
“things” are not limited to the material. Good health and abundance of food is
something many people overlook.
Start appreciating the feedback that
people give you. Do not see this as criticism. Instead, view these observations
by others as a means for you to improve yourself. When people “criticise” you,
ask them how you can make things better next
time.
Listen to what they are saying. Do not
become defensive. Also, do not make excuses. You only know a certain aspect of
yourself. They see a different one. View this as an opportunity to understand
how they view you. It is an opportunity for self-improvement.
Adopt a more positive outlook. This does
not ?, mean one has to ignore the bad things that happen. It means accepting
that the bad comes with the good. Accept that bad things happen to everyone.
It is not about how bad it is that matters. It is about moving on and
continuing despite these bad things. It is about understanding that bad things
are not going to hold you back. Bad things '1 make one stronger. It builds resilience. It helps us develop new skills
and discover strengths we never knew we had.
This is not easy to do. We all need help
at different points in our lives for different things. You may need help from
a mental health professional. You may seek the services of a counsellor or a
clinical psychologist. These can be found in the private sector, or in large
government hospitals.
There is no shame in seeking help from a
mental health professional. Just because you are seeing a counsellor or
clinical psychologist does not mean '' you have a mental illness. A mental
health professional is trained to help you deal with damaging negative
thoughts and self-doubt. It helps provide new perspectives and enables us to
develop an understanding of ourselves. It also helps us to grow and develop as
a person.
Read more…
OCTOBER 16, 2016Her in-laws made her life a living hell soon after
she married her husband. As their marriage ends, the drama still continues.
OCTOBER 9, 2016His wife is withholding sex from him, and he
thinks, she is sleeping with a relative.
OCTOBER 2, 2016She is flattered that a younger coworker is giving
her a lot of attention, but is it all innocent?
SEPTEMBER 25, 2016After 35 years of marriage, he thinks his wife now
has a lover.
SEPTEMBER 18, 2016She feels that her husband is too close to another
woman. Her husband thinks she is being overly jealous and leaves her.
SEPTEMBER 11, 2016He struggles with low self-esteem because he is
criticised for being a little slow when it comes to doing certain tasks.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2016She cooked for his children, kept house for him,
now she is left out in the cold.
AUGUST 28, 2016She really, really wants to end this affair but she
does not know how.
AUGUST 21, 2016Her husband is always working and away from the
family. When he is around he is drunk. She feels like a single mother caring
for the family.
AUGUST 14, 2016She feels something is missing in her relationship
with long-time boyfriend. Then along comes a new guy that sets her heart
fluttering.
AUGUST 7, 2016She feels that the only way to get attention is
from online chats with younger men and boys. But these cyber relationships may
cause her more problems.
JULY 31, 2016He loves his fiance but is also in love with a
coworker. He cannot choose as they both have great qualities.
JULY 24, 2016She is getting married soon and isn't looking
forward to living with her husband's family.
JULY 17, 2016She feels that her parents are interfering with how
she leads her life. She wants them to calm down and back off but doesn't know
how to say it.
JULY 10, 2016She doesn't like it when her husband doesn't help
out at home. His bad habits have become irritating to her and she is seriously
thinking of divorce.
JULY 3, 2016Her friend had to always be right so she has
dropped her as a friend. Months later, she regrets it.
JUNE 26, 2016She was pregnant with his child, so she married
him. Then she found that he is not Mr Right after all.
JUNE 19, 2016He feels she is the perfect girl for him and they
have been together for a while now. However, the next step scares him.
JUNE 12, 2016She feels betrayed and angry, but her husband
cannot choose between her and his mistress. He asks for her acceptance.
JUNE 5, 2016Her felt a lot of anxiety in school. While she is
better now, she worries that her emotional stability may be fragile, and her
anxieties will return.
MAY 29, 2016She feels so unloved because her husband cheats on
her openly with one girlfriend after another. She wants to be free to love
someone else.
MAY 22, 2016She feels great frustration in her marriage. Her
husband had been unfaithful and her mother-in-law is causing a rift in her
relationship with her husband.
MAY 15, 2016She feel that her family neglect her and that no
one loves her. Her depression is leading her to thoughts of self-harm and
suicide.
MAY 8, 2016She feels that she carries the burden of keeping
her family and marriage together.
MAY 1, 2016Her former colleague – a married man – charmed
himself into her life, then dropped her when he left the company.
